The worst day of my life? Not at all

Not sure if it was when my father died. Should have been when my mother left or when my sister, went to convent. All those events crashed my world breaking my heart into pieces.

But probably the day we left our home and went to live with my mother was the very hardest one. My whole world turned upside down and I was hopeless. I didn’t want to be there and might be when I started feeling that nothing was right in my life and I was not living what I was supposed to be. That feeling lasted for so long that kept repeating over and over till few years ago…

Now might need to think better on what was the worst day of my life. Chances are I just missed to remember many of them. Or the way I think today is that there was not really worst day at all, just because I had the blessing of getting the things that turned me into who I am. Now I know my chances, I know we build our own options and create our own reality. I am and will be thankful for all my chances in every breath.

Changing lives starting with mine

Everybody wants to change lives and have an impact in others, myself included. If we are lucky we already understand how our own existence impacts and contribute many lives.

The key part is to understand our “Why's” and evolve our own personal life mark.

Not just doing because has to be done.

Not because others said so.

Not because it's destiny, coming from unknown reasons.

Not because there are no other options.

We always have options. At least a dozen of options in every given day of which 2 or 3 are right in our hands. But we need to create those options. Not giving up and using what we already have are the key factors even as important as wanting something. Understanding our essence, what move us and our "Why" are the Saint Grail for our own existence and ultimately help our mission of being here. Easier said than done of course.

I wanted to sing but I just continued to fail due to inexplicable reasons happening every time, and most likely to myself not willing to deal with the downside of it. Through the years I kept my focus on doing what was easy and convenient. It was easy to meet regular expectations with not so much effort. I fit the bill by keeping good grades, getting scholarships, working hard, behaving correctly and dressing polished. It just felt natural and easy for me. I probably failed to stay skinny, help cleaning, cooking and playing with dolls or partying.

It took me a while to understand that I ended up doing the right things for unidentified reasons. This is where many people gets a life crisis and just give up by feeling they did all wrong, but I didn't. Those reasons were right and just not fully mine. So welcome middle age crisis!

Giving up has never been an option for me. Failing was unbearable and I trusted no one of course. It took me a while to deal better with my imperfection and give up to my true self. Trust didn't come easy. It was not optional as I went through several changes in my life and this was the only way to keep myself in place. Still working my daily job while looking for my soul. Life has its ways and my decision was to save the pain. Flowing and learning.

I am getting to understand my “Why's” and even though some of them continue to break me, I cannot do it any different but trusting myself. Seems like my own way to be me. I am still decoding pieces of my "What's" or my "How's" and certainly my "Why's" needs refining. It's a work in progress, a life in progress.

I want to change lives as any other human being. I've already got some hints and need to keep working. Just by being better person and remain true to myself can pay the bill but yet a lot to explore inside my heart and outside in the world. Bringing the music and singing to reconnect my soul.

I am certainly on the right path by embracing my essence which is not easy at all. I know I have failed others and will continue to be human. But the truth is I will definitely keep going at the best of my possibilities.

Following and trusting my gut in the name of God!

Forjando el espíritu

Fue en día como hoy

Han sido 5 años encauzar mi fuerza y mi coraje desde otro lugar

Reaprender a esperar  y sobre todo a confiar

Mucha gente tiene que vivir verdaderas tragedias para aprender estas lecciones

Mucha gente también no consigue estar lejos ni solos

Porque hay muchas formas de empezar desde cero

Muchas formas de construirse una vez más

Qué afortunados somos los que tenemos el privilegio de elegirlas

O de aceptarlas y fluir porque a decir verdad era nuestra mejor opción. Aunque no lo supiéramos

Porque hoy sé bien que esos tiempos y cada vuelco nos van forjando el espíritu

Y siempre siempre nos llevarán a un mejor lugar interior

Tranquila, sin moverme, mantengo la respiración___

Mi decálogo anti estrés

El error sería seguir haciendo lo mismo y reaccionar igual vez tras vez. Y no porque lo dijera Einstein y sea el dicho de moda. Ver de pronto y otra vez un escenario imposible que sin duda podría empeorar pero me detengo y entiendo que es más simple que eso...

 

Puedo mirar desde ahí las opciones personales. Puedo decir tranquilamente que si quiere cargarme el payaso que venga y con gusto le acompaño. Y puedo esta vez llevarlo más allá hacia donde me permita aprender y no padecer. Algo entre "elegir la emoción" y no resistirse al caos con lo que decido decretar "Mi decálogo anti estrés":

 

1)      No estoy sola. El más importante cada día;

 

2)      No me voy a enojar. Eso lo decidí ya hace tiempo sobre todo en temas cotidianos; 

 

3)      No voy a implotar ni hacer mute. Hoy entiendo y me atraigo al silencio que me armoniza. Busco asomos de paz;

 

4)      No me preocuparé (de más). Tampoco diré que lo puedo evitar completamente. Me falta mucho para acercarme a eso, pero voy aprendiendo a administrar sin que me secuestre. Sin que me esponje;

 

5)      No me voy a angustiar. Evitar el nivel malsano de desesperanza;

 

6)      No me quedaré yo con el problema. Siempre se puede compartir constructivamente y dar propuestas con más perspectivas;

 

7)      No seré la superpoderosa;

 

8)      No resolveré todo;

 

9)      No tendré miedo al no se puede;

 

10)   No voy a evitar fallar ni fracasar, es parte del aprendizaje consciente;

 

Es más, seguro que voy a fallar. Quizá fallaré a todos menos a mí!

Sorry but not sorry

Living in the U.S. and Puerto Rico as a Mexican has led me to learn the fundamental truth of not being sorry for everything. Many of us were taught down in our countries many symbols of respect and good manners like saying “sorry”. Others here hardly understand our being sorry is not necessarily submission.

I was raised in a non-traditional family in Mexico but with a very high sense of respect. My father was mostly dedicated to his work who pursued “good behavior” over feelings and emotions. My mother grew devoted to an omnipotent God that needed to be honored just exactly as children to their parents without compromise. She was left raising me with my sister and pushed us into the education she didn’t have. We attended a high standard school with British foundations and strong sense of responsibility where we studied hard and marched at the pace of drums and trumpets while singing “God Save The Queen” and “Mexicanos al grito de Guerra”.

I grew fighting between what was needed to be done and incomprehensive realities all around which got me confused and angry at a times. I slightly thought on what I really wanted out of obligation. I used to speak up from time to time which made me a rebel for my mom and unfitted for some others. I understood that I needed to work hard to create a new reality which brought me to the only known way of doing it by studying and getting a good job to live. 

I had the picture of wanting to be an executive probably to replicate my father. Also I thought I needed to get married then have children with a nice family like any other woman. It was a long way since then and being redefined but so far here I am:  

• The first member of my family who have lived and worked in 3 countries;
• The first woman in my family to marry a non-Mexican and leave Mexico in the name of love; and so on. 

I just recently realized that these are some of a list of accomplishments and how each of them had profound implications both personally and professionally. I started reminding to myself on the successes and also on the failures that gave me huge learning to be proud of. I realized that I don’t need to proof myself to anyone. I am good, I am nice, I am hard worker but above all, I am so damn brave!

I never planned to live in the U.S. but here I have learned on different ways to live each thing. Much less traffic, less drama, different stress, wider perspective and new empathy. The world looks a lot different from this very different place I am. The challenge now is equally or even bigger than it was before. I keep myself watching, learning and inventing new ways all the time. Improving myself and reinforcing my confidence every single day has become a priority. I trust more in my instinct, acknowledging my emotions and empowering my true self. Furthermore, I am trying to smile from the heart, to allow my own imperfection and to be nice to my own thoughts. 

It has been a great journey outside my country up to here where we Latin, Hispanic, Non-American can be as good as any other person around. I as many other immigrant people here work really hard and we own our right to be here. We are good and we do not need to proof so hard to all others. We need to believe our own worth and equal rights.


We need to stop saying “sorry” in every sentence and we need to not be sorry for everything. Because we are not sorry, we are great!!

Hoy

Es muy difícil irse lejos y seguir lejos.

Y hoy puedo  ver cuánto eso me ayudó a “cambiar el chip” o lo que es lo mismo a cambiar mi perspectiva. Me reconstruí. 

Hoy puedo ver fuera del dolor y fuera de los prejuicios aprendidos (cultura, familia, sociedad). Puedo ver cómo realmente soy y darme cuenta eso que en esencia siempre he tenido.  

Hoy reaprendo a convivir con el miedo para que sólo me alerte pero no me paralice.  

Hoy entiendo que mi enojo fue un poderoso motor que ahora administro y no me secuestra. 

Hoy convivo con la incertidumbre y las sorpresas, aunque nunca me acostumbre. 

Hoy confío en mi instinto aunque me descalabre. Sé que tiene la razón y lo aderezo con razón. 

Y cuando desborda la emoción sé que es por algo y busco acreditarlo, entender sin culpas. 

Porque aún con el peor resultado sé que terminaré ganando. Hoy puedo decir que no sé cómo ni donde estaré y eso está bien. 

No estoy lejos, yo estoy bien! 

Y los demás desde sus días en sus vidas me acompañan.

Un día a la vez.

París

La canción que ha cobrado un sentido muy mío en este día.

"Ven, acércate.
Ven y abrázame.
Vuelve a sonreír,
a recordar París,
a ser mi angustia.
Déjame pasar una tarde más.

Dime dónde has ido,
dónde esperas en silencio, amigo.
Quiero estar contigo y regalarte mi cariño,
darte un beso y ver tus ojos disfrutando con los míos
hasta siempre, adiós mi corazón.

Ven, te quiero hablar.
Vuelve a caminar
Vamos a jugar al juego en el que yo era tu princesa.
Ven, hazlo por mí.
Vuelve siempre a mí.

Dime dónde has ido,
donde esperas en silencio, amigo.
Quiero estar contigo y regalarte mi cariño,
darte un beso y ver tus ojos disfrutando con los míos
hasta siempre, adiós mi corazón.

No hay un lugar que me haga olvidar
El tiempo que pasé andando por tus calles junto a ti
Ven quiero saber Porque te fuiste sin mí
Siempre tuve algo que contarte.

Dime dónde has ido,
donde esperas en silencio, amigo.
Quiero estar contigo y regalarte mi cariño,
darte un beso y ver tus ojos disfrutando con los míos
hasta siempre, adiós mi corazón.

No hay nada que me haga olvidar
el tiempo que ha pasado ya
y no volverá
no hay nada más
adiós mi corazón."

-LOVG